I know what you’re thinking. “What in the smoky ass fingering fuck is Capcom thinking releasing Street Fighter IV on iPhone”? I know that’s what you’re thinking, because that’s what I’m thinking too. After all, this is the device that’s capable of making both “Adventure” for the Atari 2600 and “Dragons Lair” for literally everything else unplayable messes. I’m sure a fighting game on a system without actual buttons will be awesome.
We have only ourselves to blame for this misappropriation of time and money, though. We’ll buy any goddamn thing with Street Fighter in it. There were five official Street Fighter II games, five official Alpha entries, three Street Fighter III installments, and somehow there is more than one Street Fighter EX game out there. How many versions do we need? Why did I buy “Fighting Street” on Virtual Console instead of something with actual value? Because Capcom knew I would. Game developers are, after all, inherently lazy. They only work when they have to. Instead of doing something useful, productive, and HARD, like porting TvC to a real console or getting started on that HD Darkstalkers game, they can quickly shit out a terrible, inferior port of their latest opus and make a quick buck. Shame on you, Capcom. I almost canceled my two pre-orders for SSFIV, threw out the Udon artbook and t-shirts I just bought, and melted my Blanka action figure with a lighter when I read about this iPhone business, butÂ I was already sitting on my couch eating potato chips trying to relax. You got LUCKY, Capcom.
In other news, Brian Crescente of Kotaku received a package from Capcom the other day containing a single blue boxing glove clutching a rose. Not a very subtle hint. In fact, it doesn’t even qualify as a hint, because they didn’t try very hard toÂ conceal their intentions. If PR stunts can be compared to clever innuendo and flirting, then Capcom just pulled their dick out and offered to let us suck it. Which I would do, by the way. I bought Fighting Street on Virtual Console, after all. Motherfuckers.